Everyone has or will lose someone they love through dying. Dying is part of living and yet even in this permissive age it is feared and has become a modern taboo. Often people feel uncomfortable when they are confronted with any aspect of death and dying. We all prepare for births so why not prepare for death? Being open to talking about death and dying can help us all come to terms with our own mortality and bring comfort and hope to those who grieve for their loved ones.
Everyone is different, each with their own beliefs. Facing death is a traumatic experience for anyone but we will deal with it in our own individual ways. As a nurse I value and respect the wishes and beliefs of those who are dying. I have found that patients who are aware of their imminent death are at peace with themselves as they have had time to accept it. During this time they have made plans and their wishes have been heard. This provides them with the comfort they need.
I feel very humbled and honoured to care for people in their last days of life and to support and offer comfort to their relatives. Caring for the dying can sometimes elicit an emotional response as it means facing a personal meaning in our own life. It helps to be aware of the triggers, although such triggers appear when least expected.
This happened to me a few years back. I was caring for a lady who was in the last stages of her terminal illness. I built up a special rapport with this lady as she was the same age as me and she had two daughters of similar age to my own two daughters. I really admired her courage, as to prepare herself, her family and many friends for her inevitable death she had said her goodbyes before coming into hospital to spend her final days. Her husband had worked away from home mostly, so even before coming into hospital she had isolated herself from her daughters so that the three of them could learn to adapt and live together when she was no longer there. Her husband visited every day. Her daughters and friends only visited now and again. She was so calm and serene. She was open in talking about her own death. She showed no regrets or anger and had a wicked sense of humour.
It was on a Sunday morning, two weeks before Christmas, when my colleague found that she could not get any response from her. We were wondering whether to call her family. I went in to see her and as soon as I called out her name, it was as if she came back from the dead. She woke up startled but I soon calmed her. She said that she was desperate for the toilet and then was adamant that she wanted a shower. Feeling that she was very weak, I tried to discourage her from having a shower until a little later, but she was very persistent.
She actually died in my arms, as she sat on the shower chair. I felt the life slowly but peaceful drain out of her. I felt mortified that she had died in such an undignified manner. I was suddenly torn with guilt that I had woken her up and not let her die peacefully in bed. I also felt bad that I had not given her family the chance to come and say their goodbyes. We had not expected her to die that day, although her death was imminent. I was so sad, especially when her family arrived later. We took some time reaching them, as they had been out looking for Christmas trees.
I related to this family and caring for this lady triggered my personal emotions. With support from my colleagues I eventually began to realise that I had nothing to be guilty about. The lady had already said her goodbyes and had prepared her family to be strong for when she passed. When she died her husband was securing the strong bond with his daughters, which my patient had hoped for. I was honouring her wishes by getting her ready for a shower. I feel that she did not want her family around her when she died. I never know why she suddenly came out of her unresponsive state, when I called her name that morning. What I do know is that I am truly honoured to have nursed this inspiring brave lady and to have been there for her in her last moments. Those last few moments were very precious and divinely special.
I have also witnessed many patients who struggle to accept that they are dying. Some patients feel they are not ready to leave this earth as they have some unfinished business or they need to see someone. Nursing these patients is emotionally challenging. It takes a lot of compassion and nursing experience to try and bring them peace and comfort on their final journey. It’s as if they need permission to let go.
Letting go of those we love can prove to be very distressing. It is therefore important to respect the wishes and needs of their beloved one who is dying. It will help to ease the burden for everyone concerned if those wishes have been discussed. It also helps if the family are involved and included in implementing the desired plans. Being positively active and feeling useful will ease the sadness and aid the stages of the grieving process in the final days.
When death is imminent within a family the time left together should be shared openly and sincerely making lots of precious moments to remember. Fear will only reduce the quality of that precious time left. Consider being honest where children are concerned. Children are very quick in sensing when something is wrong. There is no shame in crying throughout this sad time but there should be room for happiness and laughter. Expressing feelings to each other or friends helps to cope with the sadness.
Many people who are aware of someone dying or of people who are grieving feel very awkward and lost for words when in their presence. Sometimes words are not needed, as just being there can bring a lot of comfort. No one is expected to have all the answers, so just listening is valuable. It will provide compassion and comfort. Often a dying or grieving friend won’t ask for help, so take the initiative and take the children out, or mow the lawn. All sorts of things can help. The simple things can be a real relief. Those who are drying or grieving often just want to feel normal, so just be yourself. Sometimes doing regular things together will help. Other times they will want their own space. It is important to respect their wishes and not feel offended if they appear grumpy at your kind suggestions.
Of cause sometimes our loved ones are suddenly taken from us. This can be from a sudden illness, a tragic accident or incident, or by being killed by some evil sick being. I take comfort in my belief that as we take our last breath, our soul is immediately taken from our decaying body by our guardian angels and beloved relatives who are in spirit. They return us to our heavenly home. I believe that the person passing will not feel any pain during this process. There are countless stories of people who have had near death experiences. They all record it as a divine experience rather than a painful one.
A sudden unexpected death is more of a shock to those left behind. One day they were there, the next they are gone. Coming to terms with the reality of it can be difficult and very painful. There will be the mixture of emotions of anger, guilt, fear and sadness. It can take a long time to get over the shock. Some say that you never stop grieving for a loved one, you just get used to the idea of not having them around. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Those grieving should be allowed to grieve in a way that feels right for them, free of expectation and pressure. Hopefully with time those grieving can look back on happy memories without too much sadness.
When people continue to be so full of grief and forget how to live and enjoy their life, they may require help in the form of bereavement counselling. Talking through their mixed emotions, which is a natural process of grieving, will assist them to come to terms with their lost. Coming to terms will enable them to find the joy in their own lives. It is quite normal to speak to the dead. In fact this can bring a lot of comfort. This can be especially comforting if there was no opportunity to say goodbye. If you are left with things you wanted to say, find a private place, sit down and chat.
Our loved ones never really leave us and will always remain in our hearts. Believing this and learning to sense their presence supports the grieving to continue to live and enjoy life. I have discovered that spirits like to be remembered. They are persistent by irritatingly making things disappear and then show up in the most unlikely place. They let you experience a tingling feeling or a sudden shudder or shiver. Sometimes they leave their aroma of perfume or tobacco. They can offer comfort by slipping happy memories into our thoughts, or by making us aware of some meaning song that is playing. Just sensing their presence can bring so much comfort.
When I am reading cards for people, I sometimes have spirits come through. They appear when they have something important to say to the person I am doing the card reading for. On a couple of occasions those messages have brought so much comfort and healing to both my client and the spirit.
At a recent family wedding my daughter was speaking to her cousins about my spiritual gift. They were interested and persuaded me to do readings for them all and their boyfriends. I don’t know my nieces very well, as we live a fair distant apart. I certainly knew nothing about their boyfriends.
As soon as I started the reading for one of the boyfriends, I felt the strong presence of a man. As I progressed it became apparent that I was speaking to the boy’s father who had passed away very suddenly when the boy was quite young. The poor boy had not got over the fact that his dad had just disappeared from his life. His dad could see how his son’s grief was preventing him from moving on and enjoying his life. He had been trying to reach out to him for so long. He was desperate to tell his son that he was with him and loved him so much. He told his son that he must not feel sad anymore but to live his life to the full. The father was excited as he showed me how close the two of them had been. The boy related to everything I passed on to him.
It was a very moving and emotional reading. There was so much love in the room as the two of them were reunited. The boy hugged me afterwards thanking me. He said that he felt a huge weight being lifted from him. He had received so much comfort that he was now able to heal. His dad was also grateful for he could rest in peace knowing his son would now move forward with his own life.
Parents never expect their children to die before them. As a mum I cannot begin to imagine the pain or grief at losing a child. Young children with terminal illnesses never fail to amaze me by their courage and determination to make the most of the short time that they have left. Parents who have lost a child should be proud that they were chosen to have been part of their children’s short lives.
There is a coalition called Dying matters which is formed to help people talk more openly about dying, death, and bereavement. They claim being open will involve a fundamental change in society in which dying, death and bereavement will be seen and accepted as the natural part of everyone’s life cycle. This will have an impact on people who are dying and bereaved, as the quality of care, the range of support and care services available to patients and their families will be improved. It will also affect our ability to die where and how we would wish.
More details can be found on the following link, although I have no association with it https://www.dyingmatters.org
As a result of my interest and empathy in this subject I did specialise in palliative care and I would be pleased to offer any advice or comfort for anyone who finds themselves confronting this, either directly or indirectly.
Writing this I hope to bring death alive and remove some of the taboo and fear about death and dying. In the meantime it is important that we enjoy living and live our lives to the full. Our life on earth is a journey to learn, grow, develop and find our purpose in life. One day we will return to our heavenly home and be reunited with our loved ones.